T E N Y E A R S.
I’ve been writing and sharing my life journey online for a decade now.
What I’ve shared over time has evolved from musings of a young single missionary working out her faith, to rants and reflections of a new idealistic mom trying so hard to live out her values and now to this exploration of the wild and wise kind of woman I desire to become. Some days, I feel like the future me I want to be is so far from reach. But there are days I can see glimpses in my present life, faint as they may be, of the vision I have of my myself ten more years from now and I feel awash with hope and gratitude.
Healing our lives and working towards transformation is not always easy.
But it’s always a choice we can say yes to.
And the best part is that we can do it with J O Y and a whole lot of S A S S if we want.
We can be fully present to who we are NOW and love ourselves while healing our life and moving towards who we want to become.
Crazy, I know.
But it’s true. And we have to be fierce about reminding each other this truth because it’s so easy to forget. It’s so easy to hold onto what’ s familiar and comfortable even when it doesn’t serve us anymore. It’s so easy to turn our backs on what heals and nourishes us because the possibility of PAIN keeps us from opening up to the potential of JOY.
I know this because I am an easy woman. I like easy.
Even when easy sometimes mean I stay in my own damn shit.
As Autumn comes around this year, I feel another brand new version of me dying to be born. It’s been fascinating to see the different ways I am born again each month, each season, each year, each cycle of my unfolding. And what I am being called to do is to love each version of myself no matter what.
I’ve been somewhat afraid to share the newest iteration of Vina – mostly because I don’t want to end up ALONE. (Surely I am not the only one who sometimes mistakenly thinks that living from their most authentic self will result in everyone leaving them?) Thankfully, in the past few years, I’ve experienced what it’s like to lose community, to lose respect from family and peers and to be questioned about my beliefs and my path. I’ve experienced ALONE and it isn’t quite the hell as I imagined it would be.
In fact, quite the opposite.
It’s been O N E H E L L O F L I B E R A T I O N!
A freedom of sorts I didn’t know I needed.
Because out of that Aloneness, I discovered a whole new family, a much bigger community that I could ever have asked for, and a self I feel happiest with.
I discovered that I could love who I was then and who I am now while holding fast to the dream of who I could become.
I discovered that no matter what shameful thing I may have done, no matter how deep the depression hole I go, no matter how many times I may fuck it up, I am still made of fairy dust brilliance that twinkles and sparkles and shimmers.
I discovered that I could love all my dark side because at the very core of who I am, I AM LIGHT and I AM LOVE.
And that is what is dying to be born in our lives.