I have a pretty good life.
My husband has a good job, we live in a good neighborhood, we eat good food. My daughter doesn’t go to school. We have enough to live on one income. We can take modest vacations. We drive decent cars. I live close to the beach. My family is just a 30-minute drive away.
What more can I ask for, right?
But here’s the thing.
I worry about retirement. I worry how I would support the family if, God forbid, my husband got hurt, or worse. I worry how I will help take care of my aging parents.
I worry if I’m doing parenting right. I worry if my daughter will be okay by boycotting school. I worry what my daughter is learning when she sees that daddy gets to go to work and mommy gets to stay at home. I worry that I don’t know how to make a lot of money. Nobody taught me how to do that. I worry about my inability to keep friends. I lose them every 5-10 years or so. I worry about my flakiness, or my craving for novelty and my itch to run away and travel the world.
Don’t tell me not to.
Because it’s all my monkey brain knows how to do. And at the end of the day, even if I breathe deeply and meditate and chant all the affirmations in the world, I still have these questions left to answer.
Look, I’m grateful. I love my life. I don’t take any of these things for granted.
I grew up in the Philippines. I lived in Asia for a few years after college. I’ve seen poverty. I’m sensitive to other people’s suffering. A tad bit too much, in fact.
I know that I have it good.
But I want more.
Yes, that’s right.
I WANT MORE.
I want to have the freedom to go anywhere in the world I want to. I want to be super good at making money in ways that feel good to me. I want to spend a lot of time doing what I am good at and what turns me on and build a business on that. I want my husband to be happy with what he does for a living. I want to have more family time beyond weekends and holidays. I want to have a kick-ass community of sisters (and brothers) who get me and support me and never ever judge me, and I them. I want to be able to help others, generously. I want to buy my dad and my mom a new car. And a house. I want to support other women who want to start their own businesses too, especially moms. I want to free all the children who are enslaved by others, whether by way of trafficking, or schooling or authoritarian parenting. I want a house by the ocean. I want to make art and dance ALL DAY. I want everyone in the world to dream true and to want MORE.
I know I’m supposed to know the WHY behind my WANT. And focus on making that happen like NOW. The bottom line is that I’m done doing things that don’t make me feel happy and free.
So, okay. Be happy and free, like right now.
How can I pursue my dream in ways that feel happy and free, right this moment and not in five years time? How can I respond to my worries in ways that feel happy and free?
What can I do NOW to make me feel happy and free?
This. This is the question I get to play with and explore today.
And that’s how I quickly turn things around in this little monkey brain of mine who likes to think in shades of worrisome black and white and send me into a spiral of crazy anxious thinking.
Bring in the color. Put a sway in my walk. Break out into a smile. Sing and dive into the beauty around me. I bring myself back into my body. I stop at the, “I Want” and do away with the “MORE” for the time being and let my body craving for LIFE turn me up and turn me on.