It’s almost 8 AM and I’m now comfortably settled in our neighborhood Starbucks with my breakfast sandwich and a decaf coffee in hand. This isn’t my first choice when it comes to coffee, we have plenty of local coffeeshops that I adore more (and who serve Stumptown!) but this will do. I have a few emails and blog posts to write, a couple of website clients I need to touch base with and I want to work on my Nia Online Class that I hope to launch. Soon.
My daughter and my husband are cozying it up home, doing who knows what. When I left the house, my daughter was already watching Harold and the Purple Crayon so early in the day (one of her favorites! She wants that purple crayon for her birthday.) But today, Daddy is sailing the ship at home. At least for this first chunk of the day. And I’m so thankful.
See, late last year, I had to own my truth: that I want to be a stay-at-home unschooling mama AND that I want to be a badass multi-passionate business-es owner.
And I had to dig deep and understand my why.
Why do I bother?
Why do I try?
It’s unnerving enough to walk this unschooling path. That alone still gets me up at night in cold sweats and say, Dear God what I am doing? But add this crazy idea of making a living doing the things I love while carving out a home life that feels so foreign and scary, I needed to know, like really know my WHY.
I needed to know so when the going gets tough again, I can breathe. I can keep going.
So let’s get at it.
There is no one why. But a multitude of Why’s. Because we are multi-faceted beings with multi-faceted needs.
Here are my Why’s:
I need to carve out my own life.
It’s so easy to lose ourselves in this motherhood gig. And I think it’s totally okay to do that especially in the first couple of years. I was trying to figure out how to survive at that point and it’s okay to put all my energies into it because I knew nothing of motherhood. And I wanted to rock it. There’s a big learning curve when it comes to learning how to care for another human being who just came into this world. Unless you’ve been a nanny before. But even then, even then.
I needed to carve out my life because becoming a mother changed me. And I needed to carve out a room of my own so I can hear myself, stay connected to my Voice and be the person my daughter needed me to be, that I needed ME to be.
I need to keep doing things that feed my soul.
While motherhood changes everything, motherhood also simultaneously changes nothing. I am still me. I am still mostly an NF, still a sensitive soul, still need to write and create and dance and share my story. Although I am very intentional about weaving all these things into my day with my daughter, I need to do these things in my own space and time.
I have a tendency to dismiss giving myself that space, that me-time. I had a lot of guilt in the beginning trying to get away for an hour or even two for a week. But I realized that by withholding myself that space I needed to nourish me, I was also withholding the best version of myself from my family. Without these soul nourishment I need on a regular basis, I quickly degenerate. I actually have less energy. Less spark. I gotta feed me first before I can feed others.
I need to feel good
And carving this space out feels so damn good. I needed to give myself permission to soak in the Feel Good when I am away from family. It’s okay to feel good. In fact, it’s imperative to feel good. I want my daughter to always know it’s okay to feel Good. I want her to know that it’s her responsibility to find life-giving ways to feel good. It’s either this or I stuff myself with food. Or medicate.
This week, I spent more money ($40!) and more time (almost 3 hours!) than I normally would while out at a nice bar with a girl-friend who can talk chakras and zen habits and sex. We talked about doing the things we LOVE. No chats about children (oh, ok, maybe for five minutes!) I love hanging out with her, we had great food and I thought, why don’t I do this more? Because family comes first, yes. But oh, this feels good. Note-to-self: make budget and space for bars and amazing girlfriends. This is good for me. for the family. for my business.
I need to be a model for the feminine.
I need to show my daughter that yes, the feminine essence at home is valuable and revolutionary and nourishing to all. That working with our hands, learning to cook and make nourishing meals, living a slow and simple life benefits the soul and the world.
But I also have this need to show her that feminine essence is also sorely needed in the workplace and in the business world. We need more sacred and sexy in the land of economics and money and work. That women can and must learn to weave her art and her craft and her work with hearth and home and all things domestic. That we can craft a life that we truly ours, not one that is handed to us by societal norms and expectations.
I need to learn how to create a sacred livelihood.
If I am going to teach my daughter how to thrive in this world, I need to make peace with my relationship with money. And abundance. And power. Future generations are going to need more than just a college degree to “make it” in the future economy. I need to heal my masculine essence too and I need to learn how I can provide for myself and our family in ways that are authentic to me. And teach that to my daughter.
This is going to be a huge learning curve for me so I will take it slow and I will take it easy. I’m an INFP and we are complete opposites of personalities that thrive in “business” (ESTJ’s). Penelope Trunk writes a lot about this. But I need to do this. The old model of daddy-goes-to-work and mama-stays-at-home is not going to cut it for me. I want more for my daughter. I want more for my family. I want more for myself. I don’t want my daughter to only see daddy an hour or so during weeknights and then a couple of days during the weekend. So I’m learning. How to do it in ways that only an INFP can rock it. Yeah!
I need to learn how to do this so I can teach others.
I am a freaking idealist. And I want to change the world. And this is how I want to do it. I want to help other moms who have to work 2 jobs, who need to work graveyard or other crazy shifts, and who want to weave and blend both livelihood and motherhood without destroying their womanhood.
I’m not a pioneer. I’m not the first to do this. But I want to be a pioneer for my people. I am saying yes to leading my life, and I am saying yes to the call to lead others in my own way. (Damn, did I just say that?) This. This is what I want for my daughter and for the many other daughters in the world: let’s Rise up, Lead our own lives and Lead others.
I know it’s not like I’ve tried before. And failed. But failures are just lessons learned the hard way. Opportunities to do it differently the next time.
And here’s the thing that’s going to be different this year.
I’m going to hold on to how I want to feel while trying.
And I want to feel deliciously practical, joyfully strategic, at ease, naturally connected and sacredly-sexily feminine while I try to weave my soulful business into my soulful domestic life.
Yes, Universe. This is what I want. Yes, dear God/Goddess, this is what my heart desires.
This is why I try.
What are YOUR thoughts? Why do YOU try? Or are you even trying? If not, why? No judgments. I’d just really like to know. And share this post if you think it’s been helpful to you in anyway. I’d love it.