(My East Coast Friends: I wish you well and warm. While this post has nothing to do with hurricanes and power outages, I feel you in your Sh*ttyland. I’m there with you, under different circumstances. But here’s to our Power to choose Joy, even in these Sh*tty moments.)
I’m in bed with a badass ear pain, trying to get some sleep but coughing too loud and too often to do so.
My husband took the day off to take over the important everyday stuff, like making sure our little girl doesn’t go too hungry or too dirty.
I feel miserable.
It’s a Yuck Day.
A Gray Day.
A Straight Up Sh*tty Day.
The kind of day you are terrified of your people hearing about.
The kind of day you don’t particularly like blogging or posting on Facebook.
Yes, that day.
I’m having that.
No scratch that.
I’ve been having DAYS of that.
Yes, I’ve been somewhat stuck in Sh*tland.
You know, that dreadful place where nothing seems to move the way you want.
Where the Power seems out for the time being.
Where you feel like drowning.
Where everything feels all wrong.
And just dreadful.
It’s Full Moon week and usually, these are my best of days. My energy is often high and bright. I feel magical.
But not today.
Today, I’m dragging.
And I’m letting myself drag.
I launched my new website and my business last month, proud of what I just created and all that I am about to create. I felt clear about the direction I was heading.
But as I moved forward with all the work I was doing (designing websites + teaching Nia classes + blogging + building my tribe + creating my first digital e-book/e-course/program), the Joy began to fade in the background.
And the juggling started to take over my days.
I started to get frantic about how much time I don’t have to do everything I thought I wanted to do.
And then the real ugly part started to happen: I would take it out on my daughter.
As if it was her fault I couldn’t do everything I said I was going to do.
As if it was her fault I couldn’t be everything I thought I wanted to be.
A needed breakdown ensues.
In form of sickness.
My body shut down.
Of course, it could just be the bug going around.
But I don’t believe in random.
It’s a message. Like everything else in our lives.
A gentle nudge to lead me back in the right path.
Clarity is a tricky thing. It goes as quickly as it comes. Holding on to the truth revealed to us in those moments of clarity get tested when we start to take action and things start to happen.
When I was creating this website, I wanted to focus on work that feeds my soul. Deep down, I knew that creating websites for other people didn’t do exactly that. But it paid the bills. So I figured, just a little bit more until I get enough money and then I will quit it for good.
But somehow, earning enough money became the focus. Clients started to come in and I couldn’t simply refuse!
And slowly, my soul started to wither.
I’ve been told over and over again to choose my focus. Pick one thing at a time. And let it grow from there. But I’m just so stubborn and freakin’ rebellious. I wanted to prove it can be done.
But right here, right now, I meet this part of me with compassion. This part of me that has to learn the hard way, I meet her with grace and kindness.
It’s okay that this is how I learn, right this very moment.
I embrace that. I embrace her.
And I humbly surrender to what she is teaching me whilst I cough and whine in my self-made Shi*tland.
Let Your Limitations Liberate You
Being sick limits me. I can’t do anything but stay in bed.
And yet, it liberates me. From doing anything but stay in bed. So I can come to terms with my truth.
Feeling stuck in my business limits me. I can’t move forward whatsover.
And yet, it liberates me. I can’t move forward whatsover so I can see, really see what’s in front of me. And I can finally embrace the Truth.
When Things are going sh*tty, I want to allow myself to be in all that Mess and Chaos. It’s the only way we come out New. For me, I am still here in bed, but I’m already beginning to see the gift of renewed devotion to my Truth. Along with a better rested body and an increased awareness to my need for Slow. And Simple.
PS This is my ver long-winded way of announcing that I am no longer doing WordPress Web Design services. Business closed. I’ve told my clients and I’m terrified. But right here, right now, this is my truth.