On my birthday dinner last month, I asked my family to share memories they have of me. I think I don’t have very clear memories of my childhood, mostly just a vague feeling of how it was for me. And I wanted to reconstruct a more accurate history of my upbringing as I do some more healing work and such. Well, most of what was shared around that table were stories of me as an untamed child. Like when my aunt happened to see me at the corner store in the Philippines negotiating with the store owner to give me some food because I was hungry and my mom hadn’t come home yet (I don’t know exactly how old I was and I have no recollection of it whatsoever.) Or how I would often call (collect) my dad who worked in the Middle East or my aunts in the US just to sing them my latest version of Imelda Papin’s songs. Or how I entered a singing competition at church with an all-original song composed by me, except I sort of made up the song as I sang and left everyone scratching their heads at what just transpired.
I don’t know why I was surprised – perhaps because I remember mostly being a goody-two shoes growing up. But as I work on shedding skin that no longer belongs to me, I find so much evidence of my wildness, of my capacity to ignore social norms that do not resonate with me, of my obsession to only hold on to what’s true for me and live free.
This wildness has always been there and has never left me. It is part of my feminine essence, this untamed soul that always knows and feels and upholds the sole purpose of my existence on this planet. Even though I may have disconnected from her at some points in my life, she has never left me. She’s always been there, whispering, tugging at my heart, leaving faint traces of her presence whenever she can so that I would remember.
Because over the years, I have forgotten about her, this untamed soul who knew exactly what rhythm to dance to, even when it seemed so out of sync to everyone else. This untamed soul who never apologized for her hunger and boldly asked for what she wanted. This untamed soul who expressed herself with abandon because the world was her stage and her gifts, no matter how unpolished, needed to be shared.
When I think of all the women who feel depleted, overwhelmed and stuck with chronic unhappiness – I think of her untamed soul and wonder when she will come out again.
These days, I try to embrace her presence in my life ever so willingly. I crave for it deeply and I make space for her as she moves her way back into my everyday life. Often, it’s not pleasant because she fucking destroys what doesn’t belong there. She turns your world upside down. There’s blood. There’s tears. There’s death.
And of course, I sometimes fight because I am scared to let go of what I know.
Until I get so damn tired of resisting what I know to be true: surrendering to the truth of who you are is the only path to freedom.
Does this resonate with you? I want to invite you to join our Wild and Wise Feminine Circle, where we support each other as we come home to who we truly are as women. Next month, we will be focusing on Mothering Ourselves and if this is calling your name, go ahead and sign up to be part of the circle. I would love for you to join us! Click here –>>>> Join Our Wild and Wise Feminine Circle.